


Hell Is Other People

by captainunicornxoxo



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, I love them all, Therapy, but then again, fluff?, he deserves to come back, i may be projecting, iKON - Freeform, iKONICs - Freeform, its emo, like really, protect kim hanbin yall, the boys aren't to be blamed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21545911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainunicornxoxo/pseuds/captainunicornxoxo
Summary: the one where hanbin goes to therapy and returns to himself.
Relationships: Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 28





	1. I'm Okay

“Do you ever just sit in the middle of a group of 6 people chattering and laughing and enjoying themselves like normal 20 year olds and you are there with them, yet not there. You feel so lonely amidst this chaos. You know then, there is something wrong. And a voice tells you, it’s got to be you.” His therapist gestures for him to continue. After 3 sessions of not speaking, today was the first time he spoke. Hanbin thinks, how to put it into words. 

Donghyuk may admire him and stay back after practice but hanbin knows at the end of the night, he would choose bobby over him any day. He knows yunhyeong worries about him but he also knows yunhyeong worries about everything if he can, food getting spoilt, room getting dirty, climate change, girls walking alone, white clothes in the washer. He’s just that kind of gentleman. He knows Chanwoo enjoys his companionship but he also knows who chanwoo would choose as his gaming partner. No matter how hard hanbin tries. He knows Jinhwan loves him but he loves all of them. He knows Junhwe is relaxed even playful around him, but he knows who junhwe’s bestfriend is. Bobby is another story which wouldn’t fit an hour's session. 

So his heart only clenches after he says it. “no one has a good chemistry with me.” he forces a laugh. He doesn’t blink an eye when his name doesn’t come up on bestfriends list. He knows, he has come to terms with a long time ago. He doesn’t mind. He’s been one and only for a long time. He didn’t have a sibling all of childhood. He could never make friends, they were either working together or they would leave or he was pit against them. Instead he has always had his notebook. It listens without pushing him away, even when he buzzes like bees for a whole stanza, soaks up his tears as he writes, lets him scratch, scribble and caress as much as he likes, needs. It knows all his secrets and it pillows his head when he falls asleep writing. It doesn’t complain,it doesn’t share, it doesn’t judge him when he writes about her soft lips even though he doesn’t know. It’s an escape, he takes too often.  
So he writes another song about how he is okay. He’s used to being alone. In fact he’s better off alone. Then his hand stops. But it gets lonely. All the lonely trips he had by himself on days off, they would all split in groups but hanbin knows 7 is an odd number. Someone has to be left out. he’ll be it. When he starts to feel bad for himself, he sighs, he writes, “i’m okay.” He needs no comfort. 

Maybe he’s being greedy, wanting their attention. Selfish and desperate to hear someone’s voice other than his own. They care, he knows, they love him, he knows, they respect him, he knows but then why does it still feel like if it wasn’t for the contract, his talent (he allows himself to say) or for his position, he would be just another face they pass. He’s never been good at making friends after all, his father’s name following him around, his book already titled and cover made. One look is all they take.  
“People don’t even read books today. It’s the swipe and double tap generation, that decides within seconds, has 10 different tabs open, consuming so much information, processing nothing.” He isn’t something to be discovered, he’s already been written about.


	2. Jerk

"Do you hate anyone?" Hanbin looks up at the question, his fingers still playing with the rips in his jeans. She has her hands crossed, a solemn look on her face and her hands posed to write the possible names. "Nobody." he replies. "No one?" She asks,one perfect eyebrow raised in question. He shakes his head. "my mother always said it's pointless to hate." She smiled at that, nodding to herself. "So you don't hate all the netziens against you, your members, your company, the girl who ruined your image or-" Hanbin cut her off. "Hating netziens is a waste of my time and energy, much like they are wasting theirs. Why would I hate my members. They had no say . on the matter. It was my decision as much as it was the company. They weren't allowed to say anything or do anything except watch. If I feel anything, it's guilt. That I had to put them through pain again. I have nothing to say about my company, I don't even know what to say. I feel wronged, abandoned but a company doesn't feel anything. They see profit and loss. They were going through a loss and thought it would be better if they cut a tumor before it grew into something inoperable." He finished, eyes looking back down. She hummed a response. "You really are a songwriter." Hanbin snorted. "You're really starting to get to me." He mumbled. "I'm trying." She scribbled something down, hanbin watched her. "Things that are treyf, you avoid, not because you hate them per se, but because in avoiding them you keep yourself from becoming like the people you hate." He reads off her notebook. 

"People always think hiphop artists preach hate but hip hop culture at its core, is built on values of social justice, peace, respect, self-worth, community,inclusion, and just having fun. It taught me a lot." She nodded. "I think hiphop can be the perfect form of music therapy if we can move past the profanity, materialism, gender discrimination, violence preached sometimes. Many of the youth today are looking past that, some still don't get it, but there will be a change." Hanbin nodded. "I didn't know doctor was into hiphop." She smiled at his teasing. "It has taught me a lot too." She sighed as she added. "It's a shame pop is really taking over." "Ikon is a hiphop band. I'm sure with bobby hyung getting to write more now, Ikon will have more hiphop. Junhwe won't be too stoked about it, but he'll still do well." Hanbin smiled to himself. "Would he be writing now? Why didn't he write with you?" "He had solo stuff he was writing for. I had so many things written already. He found it difficult to write for all the members of the group. Vocal parts tend to have a different edge he said he wasn't able to give to his lyrics. But I'm sure, he'll do well. Junhwe, donghyuk will help with that. Senior producers and artists are there too. Raesung and seung are there. They'll do well." Hanbin paused. "They'll do well." He become quiet again, his hands twisting a thread he had managed to pull out from the artistic rips. She observed him for a bit before speaking. "Is something wrong?" He shook his head immediately. "No, they have to do well. After everything i've taught them and trained them in, they have to shine now. They have to prove to the world that ikon is more than one of us. for themselves and ikonics." He looked up at her smiling face. "I-" He stopped himself. "Go on." She encouraged him.

"They'll definitely make a come back. I knew it was going to happen but suddenly." He swallowed. "I feel like, they won't miss me. They'll actually be happy that I'm gone. That I won't be harassing them in recording studios or practice rooms. That they'll all have more parts. They'll do well. They'll do better that we ever did." He looked up at her, and she could see the fear in his large eyes. "What if i was a bad leader and it is because of me that we failed all along. That we obtained some semblance of success, so late. What if i have been holding them back?" "You know what my mother used to say about hate." Hanbin cocked his head to a side, eyes blinking in confusion."The easiest thing to find even without looking is hate." "I fear i don't want them to do well doctor." He whispered. "Look deeper, you'll find love." He thought about it. She waited. "Doctor, do you know what's worse than failing a test?" He snorted a laugh. "You failing while your best friend tops the test."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am i projecting again?Maybe?  
> Honestly though, i want ikon to be 7 again. I can't seem to move on. Everytime i think it's okay, they'll all be okay. I can't help but get bitter. I can't move on.


	3. Rubber band

He expected her to be angry, but she wasn't. She simply pressed the bottle in his hands and told him, that was not how it worked. She sat back in her chair. "You do not have a disease hanbin." Hanbin stared down at the bottle in his hands. "It's merely a supplement. Like the vitamins and tonics you take for a better health. These are not happy pills. They only help to control your mood." "but I thought i felt happy. i made a song. I released it. People were happy. I was happy." He whispered. "was I not happy. Was that the pills. Will anything other than the pills ever make me happy again?" He wondered. "understand, you won't be dependent on the pills for long. It only helps you control your mood and felings so as not cloud your vision, productivity, ideas and peace of mind. He stared hard at the bottles. happiness. the same thing he went searching for years ago, that landed him here. he thought he has learnt his lesson. "Hanbin?" He looked up, she stared at him expectantly.

"Did you talk to them? You had messaged me that the company had called you for a meeting." She explained. "ah yeah." he slumped back. "they wanted to use some songs of mine. they had wanted to rerecord the finished ones for the comeback. Just called to sign some forms for approval." she smiled. "so you will be a part of the comeback." he shrugged. "how do you feel?" "don't know." He really didn't. A part of him was happy, his work and last of his efforts wouldn't go to waste after the world he had spent years making had crumbled. he felt a little happy knowing the rest of their voices would be still there just the way he would have wanted. The songs would turn out perfect. Yet, some part of him was a little bitter. They had said the comeback was delayed enough with his situation. The company did not want him to cause the members any more trouble and had asked him to give the songs. He had also heard the members had wanted his name on the album. It made him feel worse. were they not mad at him? Did they not hate him, for lying, for hiding something from them, for running away or for hurting them.

"i thought you would be happy." "i don't deserve to be." It slipped out of reflex. 

"hanbin." she sighed. "why are you trying to prevent yourself from being happy?" "because-" he paused. What really was happiness. some days were good some days it was not. Just like some days were sunny and some days dark and cloudy. He didn't think the purpose of the day given to us, was to find happiness. Happiness was only a feeling. Just like sadness, loneliness, jealousy. It did not make anything tangible not was it permanent to seem like a goal to attain. It was to live it, taking a step closer to your purpose. to do your bit in the world. In some one's world. and he was still searching for his. He tightened his fist around the bottle. he remembered. "The word happiness is too vague, so I hope to feel that life is worth living every day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because i felt a lot of things about this comeback. Proud, sad and happy. ALso dongie killed it with flower. It felt like a lovely dedication to hanbin.

**Author's Note:**

> i keep checking news on hanbin everyday, just to make sure he's okay. I go into forums appreciating hanbin and somehow i always find the hate. My heart aches for this boy.


End file.
